Forewarning: You probably need to be familiar with Twitter and The Stig to really enjoy this article…
Some say he’s powered by a warped core, and that he has tyremarks for fingerprints…
Some say he can slam a revolving door and that his premolars are what are commonly referred to as ‘blood diamonds’…
Others claim that his blood type is ‘Unleaded’ and if you tune in to the 1245 MW Frequency, you can hear his thoughts…All we know is that he’s called The Stig.
It was a conspicuously sunny Nairobi afternoon, as @mkaigwa (known from here on out as TheRealStig) walked around in his ‘Oval Office’ pacing the length of the room searching for a corner. He was also pondering all things horse-trading, flea-markets and lampshades. In the midst of his thunderous brainstorm, from the comfort of his umbrella, he sent out a tweet. A tweet that would change the face of the Tweetmosphere…forever. One of the greatest revelations to a modern mystery that has baffled millions of car enthusiasts the world over. He exposed, that He indeed was…The Stig.
Simple it was. A statement that was true, fair and just (all three words in the Kenyan context). But not so. For soon after this tweet was hurriedly placed behind a cursor and sent at lightening speed through the interwebs to appear to some +350 followers, there would be trouble in paradise.
Meanwhile in a dreary and drizzly London, from a pro-Arsenal cafe, sat @Shaun_g, also known as ‘Leader of the Resistance’ or LoR. As pulses of Arsenal-blood flowed through his body to his fingers, Shaun_G was also to send out a tweet that would shake the foundations of the Twitterverse. He challenged @mkaigwa and claimed HE was The Stig.
It left @mkaigwa disturbed. He paced up and down the halls, with great unease. This prompted him to seek the counsel of one of his wise men. Having been challenged, and the masses being told of this farcical reality, it was the wise words of @alfredmutua that prompted @mkaigwa to find a democratic view to resolving matters.
It was to be decided, who indeed is The Stig. By means of a vote. Not just any vote, but #StigVote.
The Campaign Trail
And they were off. @mkaigwa began the lobbying for his election (and appropriate renaming) as “The Democratically Elected, People Chosen, Fairly Voted Stig” or TDEPCFVS for short. It wouldn’t be easy, @Shaun_G was prepared, he was poised, and with his international credentials, looked set to mount serious challenge to the incumbent @mkaigwa.
The campaign styles were simple. Get people on Twitter to ‘vote’ for whichever candidate they felt best represented them. Some chose not to vote, others chose to vote either both ways, but there was soon to be a twist.
Watching from his lair, deep in the labyrinth beneath Nairobi (Also known as E-dust-real area). Unbeknownst to the common man, was the coy @intelligensia. At this point, #Stigvote was looking like a two-horse race, a good-old Obama-McCain or an Ali-Foreman. But @intelligensia was having none of it. Needless to say, a large 6 foot tall spanner was tossed into the election and it became a three-legged horse race for the official Twitter Title of TDEPCFVS.
It seemed that there were plenty who were unaware of this monumental race, it was a Manyoo-Liverpool-Chelsea or in my case, a Inter-AC-Juventus race for the Title. It was big. It was really big. Like El Clasico, only with three teams…so El Grande Classico (Why do I feel that doesn’t make any sense in Spanish?)
This battle, it seemed, was to be won and lost deep in the servers and networks of the interwebs. It was a level playing ground, and @mkaigwa was pulling out all the stops to make sure he would be fairly re-elected. His campaign manager @louizah sent out the word, and was quick to persuade the masses on who to pick. But it was close, @Shaun_G and @intelligensia had soon caught up to @mkaigwa’s supposed lead, and things looked like they would go down to the wire.
Supporters were tense, and this soon showed as ‘deals’ began being struck left, right and centre. The @mkaigwa camp stood its ground as it slipped into last place as @Shaun_G and @intelligensia struck deals in high places with Kenya’s Twitterati. It started off innocently with @swmaina asking if anyone had something for him to eat, but the events that followed shook the walls of twitter integrity for years to come. It soon became apparent that @swmaina was not looking for anything edible.
The Society of Blogs for Better Tweets (or SoBleets) has reserved the right to show this tweets contents.
It all went downhill from there, from open e-bribes to cookies, milk and drinks of a markedly higher potency being promised in return for vote. It must be said, however, that @Shaun_G did excellent in this arena, covering his tracks by going to DM Status (The equivalent of door-to-door Marketing) His strategy would soon pay off, as @intelligensia’s house of cards came tumbling down. Messages like this were soon appearing on screens across the world.
@intelligensia was not to be outdone so easily and soon began receiving requests of his own…
@intelligensia tried to throw the heat off him and his ‘Electioneering team’ He would soon bite his words, as @swmaina would soon make a confession meant to build @intelligensia’s campaign and give it credibility that hurt @intelligensia’s public image. @Swmaina had confessed to being bought, and was going to use his spare vote (Granted to him on a Stig Pardon by @mkaigwa) to re-vote.
This would lead to a Delegation of a Team of Experts of Prominent Persons Enlisted on a Shortlist or DATEPPES being sent to investigate. But @intelligensia’s light in the race, was fast disappearing. @Shaun_G had overtaken him in the polls, and @mkaigwa held his slender lead. @mkaigwa was hard-pressed by events. Instead of chasing after votes, he sought clout, one vote that would change all votes.
@mkaigwa won @mamajunkyard’s vote and in a change of events (just like when Obama landed a big State and got more points in the Electoral College) He was in the lead again.
There was also the great support of key individuals in Mark’s party.
A Timeline was quickly set to 2 PM CAT and as the clock ticked slowly, sweaty fingers typed on keyboards Africa-wide and worldwide urging the masses to vote.
In every election, there are ‘spoilers’ @intelligensia is a spoiler, since this was a two-horse race, but he can be classified as an official spoiler. A last mid-election appearance on the ballot papers was @schunga who sought to clarify some issues.
Such late entries to the Election were quickly dismissed. At 2 PM CAT, the Official Results Came in…
The Race from here on out, defines words, and can only be described with….Tweets.
The Swearing in Ceremony had started, and it seems while others were being sworn in as Helmet Secretary, others began protesting the outcome.
But it seemed the decision was final, and though it was a close race, The Winner had been decided.
Oh, well…You win some you lose some…That’s a #Stigvote for you.
(Stage Directions:) Draw Curtains.
THE END.
Ukwelii 